5 Reasons I didn't kill myself

1. I was afraid I'd mess it up.  Yep this was probably the biggest one.  To me the idea of being a vegetable or mentally/physically challenged to the point I was stuck in a body that didn't function and fully dependent on others for my survival was even worse than not being here at all.  If I couldn't figure out a "sure thing" I wasn't going to do it.  I never had complete confidence in any method I could think of so I never did it.
2. I didn't want to leave a mess.  Weird huh?  I wasn't even concerned about the emotional impact on my family at that point because I was convinced they wouldn't miss me and the world would be better off if I wasn't here.  But I really didn't want to leave a mess for someone else to clean up.
3. I don't do drugs.  I don't even take Tylenol.  Can't stand it.  So the idea of death by drugs was abhorrent to me.  Also, I had this vision (see #1 above) of not taking enough or the right kind and ending up with half my brain cells missing, unable to do anything but drool for the rest of my life yet strangely aware I was trapped in an even bigger hell.  So that wasn't an option.
4. I felt like I wasn't allowed.  This wasn't some moral or religious thing.  I simply felt like I came here for a reason and this wasn't it so I literally wasn't "allowed" to leave yet.
5. I think I liked being a victim and martyr.  I'm not sugar coating here... my life sucked!  Even by outside standards people told me they couldn't believe all the crap I had to deal with.  But still, there was something in me that was content with wanting to die but not doing anything about it, but at the same time not doing anything to make my life better either.  It's a sucky place to be, let me tell you!  And sad thing is a lot of people are exactly there.  Even if they're not ready to get off the planet, thousands if not millions of people have given up on life and walk around like zombies waiting to die. 

Notice there was nothing about loving my family, staying for my kids, my dog or whatever.  That's because I didn't feel that way.  At the time I truly believed the world would be better off without me and no one would care anyway.  I don't know if this is true or not and really it doesn't matter.

We are born alone, we die alone, and in between we have relationships but ultimately we are still alone.  Therefore we have to do things that are right for US, not anyone else.  By the way this realization was one of the most liberating things I ever figured out.  More on that here.