Where is your head?

An often overlooked fact is that we create what we focus on.  I don't mean "create" as in making things materialize out of thin air.  I mean create as in our reality is very much the result of where our head is.

The more you think about something, especially if you're dwelling on it a lot and are very emotionally involved, the more it will appear that your life is like that.

People who are paranoid see everything as a threat.
People who are very sick have a hard time feeling healthy.
People who don't trust anyone will see criminals everywhere.
People who feel ugly see everyone else as more beautiful than them.
People who say everyone cheats will see people cheating all over the place.
People who think everyone is dishonest will get cheated or swindled.
People who want to die will see the world as harsh and cruel, and a place they don't want to be.

By contrast, people who enjoy life see the world as fun and exciting.
People who are trusting see people as honest.
People who are healthy see others as strong and vibrant, with illness and disease being anomalies.
People who love life can't even understand why someone would want to die.

Are they living in different realities?  No.  Same world.

In our world is love and hate, trust and deceit, honesty and lies, loyalty and cheating, ethical and criminal minds and so on.

But because of how the human mind works, we tend to notice things that reinforce our point of view and filter out things that don't.  Furthermore we tend to make up stories about what we observe to support what we believe.  Funny thing the human mind :)

So as an example, if someone believes everyone cheats, he or she will see cheaters everywhere.  Every relationship they have will end up with their partner cheating, and they may cheat themselves because "everyone does it."  Except it may not be true.  I was in a relationship once where I was absolutely loyal yet I was accused of cheating regularly.  Nothing I could have said or did would have changed my partner's opinion.  He could only see the world that one way which meant to him, everyone cheated.

Same with wanting to die.  When you want to die it's very hard to think of reasons to live.  In fact the mere idea of living can make you tired.  At least it did me.  But now that I don't want to die (yet), the idea of wanting to die seems rather silly.  I have moments where I wonder how I could have ever thought that.  Change of perspective.

Think about this a while and see if any of this makes sense to you.

Religion made it worse for me

I used to be very religious.

I was very involved in my Christian church and religion, teaching Sunday school, attending multiple Bible studies and church groups, taking theology classes, volunteering a LOT of time, tithing, and so on.  I knew the Bible better than the church leaders did, and often found myself in disagreement with their teachings.

When I wanted to die, as part of the help I looked for I turned to the church and was told to "pray for deliverance from my sins."  I was made to feel guilty, inadequate and very less than human.  It didn't help one little bit, and it wasn't until I threw all religion out the window that I began to see a light in the tunnel of my very long depression.

I'm not saying religion caused it.  It didn't.  But it definitely added to the problem and did nothing to help my situation.

As my life changed for the better, I began to notice that a lot of people who want to die (whether by their own hand or not) are ensnared in their religions like I was.  I also noticed that if they made the escape from this prison, their lives began to get measurably better.

This is something to consider if you are feeling like death is the best option to you and you're very into your religion.  Take a step back and ask yourself these questions...

1. Are you afraid to talk about your suicide or death thoughts with your church leaders or members of your church?
2. Do you feel judged or belittled by them?
3. Do you believe that you'll go to hell if you take your own life?
4. Do you believe that you'll go to hell anyway, because you're a terrible person?
5. Do you feel weak and unworthy, like nothing you do is good enough?
6. Do you pray incessantly and feel like no one is listening?
7. Do you beg for forgiveness and only get more and more miserable?

Now that I have escaped the hypnosis of religion, I can see things a lot more clearly.  Without a church to tell me I'm a worthless sinner in need of their forgiveness and mercy just to eek out a living on this miserable planning, I began to see life entirely differently.  Here are just a few of the things I realized:

We are NOT born guilty and there is no such thing as original sin!  In what universe does this even make sense, and yet churches have been shoving it down people's throats for centuries.  How can anyone be guilty just by virtue of being born?  Really?  If you never change one other believe, then wiping this fallacy out of your mind will still have an immediate and positive impact on your life.  YOU are just fine the way you are.  Even if right now you're miserable, it doesn't take away from your value as a human being.

Religion has a vested interest in keeping us in a state of guilt and shame.  If you wanted to control people what would be a great way to do it?  Hold the keys to heaven and hell.  Over the centuries religion has done just that.  If you're born a sinner than what can you do but spend your entire life groveling at the feet at those who hold the key to your salvation - the church leaders.  With this power they can control you as well as take your money, time and labor.  See?

Right and wrong are not written in stone.  Not even on certain tablets with 10 rules to live by.  Right and wrong are very much products of different cultures, situations and periods of time.  What I learned is that eventually we all have to develop our own personal code of ethics and decide for ourselves what is right and wrong for us.  This is living in integrity and being true to who you are.

The Bible is a terrible book and the God of the Bible is a vindictive, evil being.  Yes I know these are very strong words and you are free to disagree with me.  But before you do I suggest you read the Bible with an objective mind.  What would you think of the God of the Old Testament if you read some of the stories not knowing they were part of the Bible?  When I read them in that light, I realized that the God of the Old Testament is very busy smiting, raping, murdering, and destroying many people.  If that God were a person he'd be guilty of so many crimes he'd have to live forever just to serve all the sentences!  The New Testament isn't much better, with Jesus giving what I consider to be very bad advice.

I could go on but I don't want to argue with anyone.  These are simply my experiences and kicking religion out of my life was instrumental in me leaving my desire to die behind.

By the way if you're Christian and questioning things here are some resources to check out.  I came to my own conclusions way before these were available but they're full of very good information:

The Skeptics Annotated Bible dissects the bible and points out a lot of contradictions and nonsensical information.  It's a real eye opener.

A really cool chart showing contradictions in the Bible.  How can you believe in a book that is so full of conflicting information:

This website does a great job of going into great detail about why many of the stories in the Bible, including the Jesus stories, aren't even true.  Jesus Never Existed.

PS I'm not atheist.  More on that later :)

Today doesn't mean "never"

When I wanted to die there was a lot of urgency to it.  There were times I felt like if I didn't do it "today" it wouldn't happen.  In fact on one of my "almost" moments, where I thought I'd come up with a foolproof method, I was very angry at myself for not going through with it right then.

It's funny how when you're on the edge it's like the will to live and the will to die are in this huge battle within you.  On that day, my will to live won the battle by saying this:

You don't have to say 'not ever' just not right this minute. 

 If you can get through today you can get through.

That thought let me off the hook for the moment but didn't preclude my will to die winning later.

I remembered that little statement many times over the years when I wanted to give up and it kept me going a little longer. The todays turned into weeks and then months and eventually the idea of staying seemed much more appealing than leaving so here I am still.

Think about this if you're really on that edge.  Consider staying today... you can always change your mind later.

Dying should be beautiful

A long time ago I heard this story about a long forgotten tribe:

When the man knew his time was coming, he called his entire tribe to a grand celebration.  Special garments were made from the finest materials, and each woman of the tribe added her special gift to the garments, in the form of a prized bead or object, intricate stitchery, dyes, woven designs and the like.  A sash was also made which told the story of his life from birth, through boyhood, to his marriage and family to his contribution and status in the tribe - right up until the grand event. 

The man donned his special garments and was the guest of honor at the celebration, which lasted for many days.  There was dancing and great feasting and many stories.  The man himself told stories as did the tribe members and the children listened with wide eyed wonder.  There was much laughter and celebration, and the highlight of the celebration was the gifts.

As the man knew he wouldn't be in the world much longer, he no longer needed his material possessions, so he carefully chose new owners for his things and bestowed these precious gifts upon his family and other members of the tribe.  Everyone from the oldest to the youngest received some special item from the man, and all were delighted.

After the celebration was done the man went quietly into his teepee and lay down to sleep, smiling as he drifted into dreamland because he knew he wouldn't return to the earth world the next morning.  Sometime during the night he was overwhelmed with love for his life, his people and his world, and his heart overflowed and burst, freeing his spirit to go on.

To me this is the way we should die.  It should be a joyful occasion, a celebration of life, and a time spent with those we love in happiness and peace.  Death, like life, is a transition to another plane of existence and can be joyful. 

I've had the occasion to witness several deaths and I've seen people exit this word in very beautiful as well as extremely painful, lonely and sad ways.  It makes me sad for those who miss out on a beautiful dying experience. 

What do you think?

12 reasons you may be suicidal that will really piss you off

You may think that you want to die because life isn't worth living or because the pressure of the world is just too hard.  And that may be right.  But there may also be outside influences that are trying to take you down.  These influences cause you to NOT be you, and can make you want to die even if you aren't really that way. 


I don't know about you, but when I learned that some of this stuff was causing me to not be me I got really pissed off!

1. Hormones - We are physical, biological beings.  We have hormones in our bodies that go up and down and all around and they can severely mess you up.  Hormones are at their highest activity around puberty then again around midlife when both men and women go through a sort of menopause.  They can also get out of balance due to trauma or stress, and sometimes it takes years to get back to center.  Hormones are VERY POWERFUL!  Ask any girl who turns into a basket case once a month!  They are part of you yet out of your control and they can wreak havoc on your life.  If you find that you have cycles of feeling suicidal then a little better than back to the loop again then it could be at least partially hormones.  You may want to consider keeping a chart to see if you can figure out a pattern.
2. Speaking of patterns, the moon can and does influence our moods and for some people this can be severe.  As emergency room workers and they'll tell you that more mental patients come in around a full moon.  Our bodies are something like 70% water and the moon has a huge affect on water (think about the tides).  So it makes sense it affects you and me too.  Pay attention to your moods and see if they coincide with lunar cycles.
3. Prescriptions - Did you know that many of the mass shootings in recent years were caused by people on anti-depressants and other anti-psychotic drugs.  Did you know that certain anti-depressants list among their side-effects "may cause thoughts of suicide." Really?  Why the hell would anyone give a depressed person something that makes them even more depressed?  But it happens every day!  If you're on these drugs then do your research and see if they could be contributing to you feeling suicidal.  If so give your doctor a piece of your mind then insist on something else!
4. Vitamins/Minerals - Lack of certain nutrients can really mess with your body.  For me a severe lack of Vitamin D-3 contributed a lot to my depression.  I also found out my gut flora was really messed up, which made me feel bloated, depressed, confused and generally sick.  Taking probiotics regularly helped a lot.  It may be different for you so do your research and see if you might have deficiencies that need to be addressed.
5. Nutrition - By this I mean what you eat regularly.  Most people, whether they know it or not, are sensitive to sugar and it can really wear you down both physically and mentally.  Try eliminating it for a couple weeks and see if it makes a difference (for me it helps my moods even out and also helps me maintain focus and concentration).  What also helped me was to look at the foods I ate most and stop eating them for a little while.  What I found is that once I was in a downward cycle, my body actually craved food that made it worse.
6. Food Allergies - I read a story once about a child who was out of control, and it turned out that child had a severe milk allergy.  Once dairy was eliminated, an entirely different child emerged.  It makes me so mad that my entire personality can be affected by food I eat, and that I have to discover it myself through trial and error!  But really... once I took the time to figure it out then my health and mood changed a lot.
7. Really old trauma - It's so unfair that something that happened 5, 10 or even 20+ years ago can keep affecting us forever.  When we're severely traumatized that emotion can actually be stored in our physical body, and can affect us for life.  Sometimes therapy can help and often alternative medicine and healing can help release it better than conventional means.  What's important is to realize that it's not really you.  It's trauma caused by something outside you and once you release it you will feel very different.
8. Lies you are told - I'm going to tell you a secret.  I'm very against organized religion, the media and anyone with an agenda to influence my life.  From birth we are told many lies about how the world is and we believe them because hey - it's from birth.  Waking up to those lies and seeing them for what they are pisses you off majorly, and it also shows you a lot of truth about the world.  Plus things start to make a lot more sense when you realize that much of what you've been fed for years is pure BS.
9. Diagnosis - Some people are really sick and need help.  But a lot of people are diagnosed because that's what people do.  They label and categorize and then stick people in little boxes that fit certain criteria.  Unfortunately in our world a "diagnosis" becomes part of our identity.  We can't live differently because we are biopolar or depressed or adhd or whatever.  Says who?  Diagnosis is "their" opinion of you.  Their opinion doesn't count.  YOURS does.  Do you really want to let someone else tell you who you are?
10. Peer pressure - This is so cliché as we mainly apply it to teenagers making bad choices.  But it's so much more than that.  Think about how much we are pressured to conform to family values, religion, community, culture, and other outside ideas of "right and wrong."  Even if we rebel and go the opposite way, it's still those opinions that are influencing us.  I REFUSE to let anyone else tell me how to live!  In fact I ignore them completely and if someone tries to exert their influence on my way of thinking and living I just boot them out of my life.
11. Caught in the loop - This is chicken and egg stuff.  You are depressed and you have chemical imbalances.  But which came first?  That question really can't be answered because they feed into one another, but if left unchecked it puts you into a wild, out of control spiral that eventually takes you right off this planet.  It's not real though.  It's a lie that gets you under it's control doesn't let you out.
12. Psychic Attack - People can and do send negative energy your way, often without you even realizing it.  Heck sometimes they don't even realize it.  While a lot of people don't believe in this, let me tell you it's real and it does happen.  A good spiritual mentor can help you deal with this type of negative energy, and it can change your life for the better once you get those assholes out of your field.