Holiday blues, money and why it doesn't deserve your life

Sometimes during the holiday season you'll hear stories of people jumping off a bridge, doing the pill od or exiting the planet in some other, self-inflicted way.  Later you'll find out that the person had major financial issues and the stress finally got to them.

They don't have to be billionaires either.  Sometimes it's extreme poverty that pushes a person over the edge, and sometimes it's middle class people who, from the outside looking in, don't seem to have anything to complain about.

The economic scale doesn't matter.  What matters is that money got to be bigger than life, and the person couldn't handle it's negative influence anymore.

I've got news for you.  Money doesn't deserve your life!

It doesn't.  It's not worth it.  It's not worth anything other than the value we give it and unfortunately, in today's world we often give it way too much value.

Weather you believe it or not I am here to tell you that YOU are worth more than money.  And if anyone bugs you about it over the next few weeks I'd tell them exactly that.

Bill collectors?  Say "I am worth more than this bill and I'm not talking to you about it or doing anything about it until January.  Period.  Call me then."

Business pressures.  Same thing.  Refuse to deal with it until January.  Don't take calls if you can get away with that.  Take your mind entirely off the subject, even if just for a week or two.

Gift obligations you don't want.  Say "The pressure of having to give something has ruined the entire season for me so I'm not doing it this year.  I'm not giving anything so please don't be hurt or expect it."

Feeling guilty because you got something but didn't give (after you told them the above).  Sincerely say "Thank you so much for this lovely gift, I really appreciate it."  No need for any more explanation.  You already told them you weren't giving yourself.

Feeling guilty because you got something but didn't give (if you didn't tell them the above). Sincerely say "Thank you so much for this lovely gift, I really appreciate it."  If you really feel awkward about not having something to give in return simply add that you decided to forgo giving gifts this year but again you really appreciate their thoughtfulness and are so happy they understand.  Even if they don't, they probably won't say anything.  

What to say to your kids and grandkids.  Kids are the hardest because we love them and don't want them to be disappointed.  Here are a few ideas if you simply don't have the money to give them the celebration you want to.

• Ask them for a list with a certain dollar cap.  For instance nothing over $25.  This helps them set expectations as well as appreciate the value of money.
• Have a holiday where everything given must be handmade.  Crafts, food, clothing, everything.  Smaller children usually like this as they love to make and give gifts, but older ones can get into it too. 
• Get a bunch of smaller, inexpensive gifts and wrap them up so everyone has lots to unwrap. 
• Have a bunch of smaller, inexpensive gifts ready and do a raffle, giving each winner the opportunity to pick from the pile or steal from someone else.  No one gets to unwrap until they're all given out.
• Pass on your children's favorite toys and games to their children.  Don't underestimate the value of this, or the excitement both parents and kids will have in opening a special thing that may have been forgotten.

Really big emergency situations like getting evicted or a court date right around now.  Evictions take a long time so if you just got a notice you really don't have to be out by that date.  While I don't advise ignoring it, I also don't think that most landlords can kick you out without going to court.  Talk to an attorney to be sure... I'm not a legal person by any means.  And of course try and work it out with your landlord to get the pressure off.  Same with court dates.  Even if you get a judgment against you, they usually give you so many days to make good on it or they may set up a payment schedule.  Again, talk to an attorney to find out.  In all these cases, as dire as they seem, things take time and unless you've been ignoring this for months already it's probably not as critical as it seems.

I hope this takes some of the money worries off you this season.  Next subject will be those damn relationships and how to deal with that drama and pain about now.

Heading into the holiday bleh!

Figured it was time to say something about holidays.  Statistically I hear that more people either commit suicide or try to during this time of year, and of those who don't a lot more think about it.

I used to.  I used to a lot and from right after Halloween until well after the New Year I was uber-depressed and well, I wanted to die.

I hated it.  I tried to avoid it.  I moped around.  I collapsed after every obligatory gathering.  And worse... if I found myself having the teeniest bet of fun I'd get really mad and work doubly hard to be miserable!

Not any more.  I can't say I get excited about the holidays, all that glitter and consumer-driven bunk or any of it.  I don't.  I just don't care any more.

I play the holidays may way and I do what I want, even if that means doing nothing at all. It alleviates the pressure and stress and makes me a whole lot happier.

So ok what about you?

If you want to die this holiday then I invite you to try something else instead.  Think about what you want.  And what you don't want.  And then do that.  You can always die next year, right?

Oh, and if you're down because of pressure with money, obligation, people, health and other things then stay tuned... because I'm going to cover that here soon.

Yes, Your Parents Have You Trapped (but you can escape)

If you're a teenager or young adult feeling trapped by your parents, guardians or whoever you live with then I hear ya!

You ARE trapped.  You can't always make decisions, do what you want or live how you want to.  And I get that this can cause extreme stress, frustration, anger and even depression.  I mean who wants to live in a prison when they haven't committed a crime?

Right?

I understand.  I sympathize with you.  And I've been there too.  Not just as a teenager but as an adult dependent on an abusive spouse, who had me trapped in way worse ways than when I was a kid.

Well guess what.  You can escape.  You can live how you want, make your own decisions and do the things you want to do.

How?  But plotting your break to freedom and taking steps to make it happen.

And the first step is to realize that the only person who can fix your situation is YOU.  Others won't help you.  Or if they do you'll just find that you've gone from one prison to another because you'll now be living under their rules instead of the rules you lived under before.

So the solution is to take control of your life and start planning and acting in ways that will get you what you want.

It sucks.  And it can be hard.  But it's also amazingly freeing and once you figure it out it becomes easy and even fun.

So how can you accomplish this?

If you're almost out of school and of age (18) then you can start looking for places to live, either alone or with roommates.  You can list your options and also the pros and cons of each.  Living alone is more expensive but living with others causes a whole set of other problems.  Once you know what you want to do and how much it will cost, you'll know if you can reasonably do it or not in the near future.  And if not then it's time to find income sources to support you.  Because as fun as freedom from parental tyranny is, it also requires that you pay your own way.

If you have a few years to go then it's a good and a bad thing.  Bad because unless you have someone else you can stay with you have to deal with the parental units a bit longer and good because you have longer to save money to get out as soon as you can.  In the mean time start paying attention and figure out what makes the people you live with happy.  You don't have to buy into their line or agree with them.  But you are plotting your own freedom so you may consider playing along at least a little to make your life easier.  This also usually has the side effect of getting them off your back, which is a good thing.

Finally, and this is very important, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly if you are part of the problem.  This may piss you off but that's ok.  Part of the price of freedom is being honest with yourself.  So if you're being an ass then you need to admit it and do your part to get along with the people you live with.  If not (and I know there are truly abusive and terrible situations out there) then you need to look into alternatives.  You can talk to a school counselor or social worker if you need to.  Maybe even ask to go into foster care if your home is truly dangerous.  You may be able to stay with friends or relatives.  It could be that everyone could benefit by taking a break from each other.

The point is that you CAN escape.  It may take a little time and it will take effort on your part, but you can live how you want.

PS Running away or getting into trouble on purpose won't fix your problem.  It may grant you a few days relief but it's not a good idea long term.  Be smart, be calculating and plot your escape.  You cna do it!

It’s ok to be pissed off – you are

I get so sick of people telling me to not be pissed off at the world!

If I'm pissed off, I'm pissed off and the worst thing you can do is tell me that's not ok.

It is ok!

It's fine to be extremely pissed off at the world, a person, a situation or even yourself.

Anger is a completely normal human emotion and if anyone tells you otherwise they're not only lying but doing you a huge disservice.

So be pissed up. Get mad.  Get furious.  Scream and shout at the world.  Beat things up.  Write hate mail.  Rant and rage.  Be ok with being pissed off and also ok with expressing that!

I mean it.

But......

It isn't ok to harm others in the process.  In other words, destroy your stuff, not someone else's.  Beat yourself up, not someone else.  Write hate mail but don't send it.

And use your anger to get things done.  Anger is a great catalyst and when channeled the right way it can kick your butt right out of your mood and cause you to rampage through the world, shoving everyone and everything out of your way as you stomp through and get a shitload of stuff done.

In fact the reason anger often turns to rage is that people get frustrated because they feel like they have no outlet for it.  Turn that into action.  Massive, passionate, huge, life changing action.

Become a one man riot and everyone will get out of your way, leaving you to you'll get stuff done.  Then see how you feel.  A lot better I bet!

Those flippin hormones

I swear hormones have caused so many problems for so many people, including being a major cause in them ending their lives!

Hormones are part of the biology of who we are and as such we have to deal with them.  It's a human thing.

But....

OMG can they get out of whack!

At any age, not just puberty (which is what a lot of people will tell you).  From the minute you're born hormones are at work, balancing (and unbalancing) your physical body.

They're not just internal either.  They're affected by what you eat and drink, how much sleep you get, internal and external stress, the air you breath, toxins and chemicals you're exposed to, other people, and a whole lot of other things.

They can make you blissfully happy or crush you with extreme torture and pain.

And they can make you feel suicidal, when otherwise you may not.

If you want to die it's very important to look at hormonal causes, and fix those first.

I can't tell you how to do that because it's different for everyone but here are some things to look at:

• What are you eating?  Change something and see if you feel better or worse.  Over time you can figure out what foods trigger you and adjust your diet accordingly.

• Are you getting enough (or too much) sleep?  Or are you sleeping at the right or wrong times.  Try different amounts of sleep and schedules to see if it makes a difference.

• Are you drinking or taking drugs?  Change it up or stop all together to see if if changes your mood.

• Same with smoking.  Regular cigarettes can do all sorts of things to your physical body, including mess with your hormones.

• Figure out what's causing you stress and try different ways of dealing with it, or see if you can remove yourself from the situation.  More on this later and it can change your life.

•  Research supplements that may help.  Talk to a doctor of course but go for natural options if possible (food is medicine too... see above).

Can you think of more?  Add them in the comments.

The important thing is to realize many things can affect your hormones which can totally mess with your life.

Distraction Can Keep You Alive

When you want to die it's easy to spend all your time thinking about it, feeling it, and imagining doing it.

As I've said before, what you focus on grows so the more you do this the more you're going to want to die.  Maybe to the point you actually do it.

In order to buy yourself some time and also take a break to see what else might be going on in the world, try some distraction.

Not just any old distraction but distraction specifically meant to occupy your mind and body for a little while.

I used to do it in the way of giving myself an assignment, like watching every single episode of a series in order, going through every Popeye's Chicken drive-thru in a 50 mile radius (yeah weird, I know), solving every crossword in a book and so on.

The reason you assign something rather than just looking for a random distraction is that it forces you to focus on something other than dying.  As you go through the assignment, you may also find that there's a feeling of accomplishment in getting things done, which may cause you to decide to get other things done.  It may also cause you to tell your friends you're too busy for them because you have to get chicken legs all over town.  Ha!  Just think of their faces when you hit them with that :)

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Another type of distraction that works is anything that makes you laugh.  For me this includes watching funny videos and YouTubes, reading and sharing jokes, and hanging out with people I think are funny.  When you laugh it releases different chemicals in your brain, which temporarily sets aside the "I want to die" feelings.

The trick here is you have to genuinely be amused.  No fake smiles while you're internally suffering or rolling your eyes.  Try different things until you find what works for you.

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A final thought on this.  Don't distract yourself with work or obligations.  All you'll do is get grumpy because you don't want to do them.  Do something fun, or if nothing seems fun then something you think might be fun.  And keep doing until you find something that actually IS fun!

Life is Fatal

It's true.  None of us get out of here alive.  Someday, somehow our bodies are going to quit working and we're going to leave this planet.

The question is.... what will you do in the mean time?

Yeah I know it kind of sounds dumb.  It did to me when someone first asked me that years ago.  I think I said something like "I hate this place!  All I'm doing is getting through and waiting to die!"

I really felt that way.  But over time I decided that I may as well fill the time with "something" other than just waiting.

And I started doing just that.  First it was little stuff like looking up old TV shows I hadn't seen in a long time and songs I liked but hadn't heard in forever.  Then it was making some of my favorite foods (I used to love to cook but lost interest at some point).  Then I took up knitting again... for a day.  Not interested in that anymore.  Then drawing.  Liked that for a while but then lost interest.  Then surfing the net to learn new things.  That was fun.  Then I started trying what I'd learned.  Then I started going places I'd heard about.  Then this. And that.  And this other thing.

Over time life became interesting and I no longer thought so much about wanting to die NOW.

"Someday" was good enough, and it might be good enough for you too.  And who knows, maybe in the interim you'll be able to have a few adventures.

So remember... life is fatal anyway so you may as well do something while you're waiting to die.

Where is your head?

An often overlooked fact is that we create what we focus on.  I don't mean "create" as in making things materialize out of thin air.  I mean create as in our reality is very much the result of where our head is.

The more you think about something, especially if you're dwelling on it a lot and are very emotionally involved, the more it will appear that your life is like that.

People who are paranoid see everything as a threat.
People who are very sick have a hard time feeling healthy.
People who don't trust anyone will see criminals everywhere.
People who feel ugly see everyone else as more beautiful than them.
People who say everyone cheats will see people cheating all over the place.
People who think everyone is dishonest will get cheated or swindled.
People who want to die will see the world as harsh and cruel, and a place they don't want to be.

By contrast, people who enjoy life see the world as fun and exciting.
People who are trusting see people as honest.
People who are healthy see others as strong and vibrant, with illness and disease being anomalies.
People who love life can't even understand why someone would want to die.

Are they living in different realities?  No.  Same world.

In our world is love and hate, trust and deceit, honesty and lies, loyalty and cheating, ethical and criminal minds and so on.

But because of how the human mind works, we tend to notice things that reinforce our point of view and filter out things that don't.  Furthermore we tend to make up stories about what we observe to support what we believe.  Funny thing the human mind :)

So as an example, if someone believes everyone cheats, he or she will see cheaters everywhere.  Every relationship they have will end up with their partner cheating, and they may cheat themselves because "everyone does it."  Except it may not be true.  I was in a relationship once where I was absolutely loyal yet I was accused of cheating regularly.  Nothing I could have said or did would have changed my partner's opinion.  He could only see the world that one way which meant to him, everyone cheated.

Same with wanting to die.  When you want to die it's very hard to think of reasons to live.  In fact the mere idea of living can make you tired.  At least it did me.  But now that I don't want to die (yet), the idea of wanting to die seems rather silly.  I have moments where I wonder how I could have ever thought that.  Change of perspective.

Think about this a while and see if any of this makes sense to you.

Religion made it worse for me

I used to be very religious.

I was very involved in my Christian church and religion, teaching Sunday school, attending multiple Bible studies and church groups, taking theology classes, volunteering a LOT of time, tithing, and so on.  I knew the Bible better than the church leaders did, and often found myself in disagreement with their teachings.

When I wanted to die, as part of the help I looked for I turned to the church and was told to "pray for deliverance from my sins."  I was made to feel guilty, inadequate and very less than human.  It didn't help one little bit, and it wasn't until I threw all religion out the window that I began to see a light in the tunnel of my very long depression.

I'm not saying religion caused it.  It didn't.  But it definitely added to the problem and did nothing to help my situation.

As my life changed for the better, I began to notice that a lot of people who want to die (whether by their own hand or not) are ensnared in their religions like I was.  I also noticed that if they made the escape from this prison, their lives began to get measurably better.

This is something to consider if you are feeling like death is the best option to you and you're very into your religion.  Take a step back and ask yourself these questions...

1. Are you afraid to talk about your suicide or death thoughts with your church leaders or members of your church?
2. Do you feel judged or belittled by them?
3. Do you believe that you'll go to hell if you take your own life?
4. Do you believe that you'll go to hell anyway, because you're a terrible person?
5. Do you feel weak and unworthy, like nothing you do is good enough?
6. Do you pray incessantly and feel like no one is listening?
7. Do you beg for forgiveness and only get more and more miserable?

Now that I have escaped the hypnosis of religion, I can see things a lot more clearly.  Without a church to tell me I'm a worthless sinner in need of their forgiveness and mercy just to eek out a living on this miserable planning, I began to see life entirely differently.  Here are just a few of the things I realized:

We are NOT born guilty and there is no such thing as original sin!  In what universe does this even make sense, and yet churches have been shoving it down people's throats for centuries.  How can anyone be guilty just by virtue of being born?  Really?  If you never change one other believe, then wiping this fallacy out of your mind will still have an immediate and positive impact on your life.  YOU are just fine the way you are.  Even if right now you're miserable, it doesn't take away from your value as a human being.

Religion has a vested interest in keeping us in a state of guilt and shame.  If you wanted to control people what would be a great way to do it?  Hold the keys to heaven and hell.  Over the centuries religion has done just that.  If you're born a sinner than what can you do but spend your entire life groveling at the feet at those who hold the key to your salvation - the church leaders.  With this power they can control you as well as take your money, time and labor.  See?

Right and wrong are not written in stone.  Not even on certain tablets with 10 rules to live by.  Right and wrong are very much products of different cultures, situations and periods of time.  What I learned is that eventually we all have to develop our own personal code of ethics and decide for ourselves what is right and wrong for us.  This is living in integrity and being true to who you are.

The Bible is a terrible book and the God of the Bible is a vindictive, evil being.  Yes I know these are very strong words and you are free to disagree with me.  But before you do I suggest you read the Bible with an objective mind.  What would you think of the God of the Old Testament if you read some of the stories not knowing they were part of the Bible?  When I read them in that light, I realized that the God of the Old Testament is very busy smiting, raping, murdering, and destroying many people.  If that God were a person he'd be guilty of so many crimes he'd have to live forever just to serve all the sentences!  The New Testament isn't much better, with Jesus giving what I consider to be very bad advice.

I could go on but I don't want to argue with anyone.  These are simply my experiences and kicking religion out of my life was instrumental in me leaving my desire to die behind.

By the way if you're Christian and questioning things here are some resources to check out.  I came to my own conclusions way before these were available but they're full of very good information:

The Skeptics Annotated Bible dissects the bible and points out a lot of contradictions and nonsensical information.  It's a real eye opener.

A really cool chart showing contradictions in the Bible.  How can you believe in a book that is so full of conflicting information:

This website does a great job of going into great detail about why many of the stories in the Bible, including the Jesus stories, aren't even true.  Jesus Never Existed.

PS I'm not atheist.  More on that later :)

Today doesn't mean "never"

When I wanted to die there was a lot of urgency to it.  There were times I felt like if I didn't do it "today" it wouldn't happen.  In fact on one of my "almost" moments, where I thought I'd come up with a foolproof method, I was very angry at myself for not going through with it right then.

It's funny how when you're on the edge it's like the will to live and the will to die are in this huge battle within you.  On that day, my will to live won the battle by saying this:

You don't have to say 'not ever' just not right this minute. 

 If you can get through today you can get through.

That thought let me off the hook for the moment but didn't preclude my will to die winning later.

I remembered that little statement many times over the years when I wanted to give up and it kept me going a little longer. The todays turned into weeks and then months and eventually the idea of staying seemed much more appealing than leaving so here I am still.

Think about this if you're really on that edge.  Consider staying today... you can always change your mind later.

Dying should be beautiful

A long time ago I heard this story about a long forgotten tribe:

When the man knew his time was coming, he called his entire tribe to a grand celebration.  Special garments were made from the finest materials, and each woman of the tribe added her special gift to the garments, in the form of a prized bead or object, intricate stitchery, dyes, woven designs and the like.  A sash was also made which told the story of his life from birth, through boyhood, to his marriage and family to his contribution and status in the tribe - right up until the grand event. 

The man donned his special garments and was the guest of honor at the celebration, which lasted for many days.  There was dancing and great feasting and many stories.  The man himself told stories as did the tribe members and the children listened with wide eyed wonder.  There was much laughter and celebration, and the highlight of the celebration was the gifts.

As the man knew he wouldn't be in the world much longer, he no longer needed his material possessions, so he carefully chose new owners for his things and bestowed these precious gifts upon his family and other members of the tribe.  Everyone from the oldest to the youngest received some special item from the man, and all were delighted.

After the celebration was done the man went quietly into his teepee and lay down to sleep, smiling as he drifted into dreamland because he knew he wouldn't return to the earth world the next morning.  Sometime during the night he was overwhelmed with love for his life, his people and his world, and his heart overflowed and burst, freeing his spirit to go on.

To me this is the way we should die.  It should be a joyful occasion, a celebration of life, and a time spent with those we love in happiness and peace.  Death, like life, is a transition to another plane of existence and can be joyful. 

I've had the occasion to witness several deaths and I've seen people exit this word in very beautiful as well as extremely painful, lonely and sad ways.  It makes me sad for those who miss out on a beautiful dying experience. 

What do you think?

12 reasons you may be suicidal that will really piss you off

You may think that you want to die because life isn't worth living or because the pressure of the world is just too hard.  And that may be right.  But there may also be outside influences that are trying to take you down.  These influences cause you to NOT be you, and can make you want to die even if you aren't really that way. 


I don't know about you, but when I learned that some of this stuff was causing me to not be me I got really pissed off!

1. Hormones - We are physical, biological beings.  We have hormones in our bodies that go up and down and all around and they can severely mess you up.  Hormones are at their highest activity around puberty then again around midlife when both men and women go through a sort of menopause.  They can also get out of balance due to trauma or stress, and sometimes it takes years to get back to center.  Hormones are VERY POWERFUL!  Ask any girl who turns into a basket case once a month!  They are part of you yet out of your control and they can wreak havoc on your life.  If you find that you have cycles of feeling suicidal then a little better than back to the loop again then it could be at least partially hormones.  You may want to consider keeping a chart to see if you can figure out a pattern.
2. Speaking of patterns, the moon can and does influence our moods and for some people this can be severe.  As emergency room workers and they'll tell you that more mental patients come in around a full moon.  Our bodies are something like 70% water and the moon has a huge affect on water (think about the tides).  So it makes sense it affects you and me too.  Pay attention to your moods and see if they coincide with lunar cycles.
3. Prescriptions - Did you know that many of the mass shootings in recent years were caused by people on anti-depressants and other anti-psychotic drugs.  Did you know that certain anti-depressants list among their side-effects "may cause thoughts of suicide." Really?  Why the hell would anyone give a depressed person something that makes them even more depressed?  But it happens every day!  If you're on these drugs then do your research and see if they could be contributing to you feeling suicidal.  If so give your doctor a piece of your mind then insist on something else!
4. Vitamins/Minerals - Lack of certain nutrients can really mess with your body.  For me a severe lack of Vitamin D-3 contributed a lot to my depression.  I also found out my gut flora was really messed up, which made me feel bloated, depressed, confused and generally sick.  Taking probiotics regularly helped a lot.  It may be different for you so do your research and see if you might have deficiencies that need to be addressed.
5. Nutrition - By this I mean what you eat regularly.  Most people, whether they know it or not, are sensitive to sugar and it can really wear you down both physically and mentally.  Try eliminating it for a couple weeks and see if it makes a difference (for me it helps my moods even out and also helps me maintain focus and concentration).  What also helped me was to look at the foods I ate most and stop eating them for a little while.  What I found is that once I was in a downward cycle, my body actually craved food that made it worse.
6. Food Allergies - I read a story once about a child who was out of control, and it turned out that child had a severe milk allergy.  Once dairy was eliminated, an entirely different child emerged.  It makes me so mad that my entire personality can be affected by food I eat, and that I have to discover it myself through trial and error!  But really... once I took the time to figure it out then my health and mood changed a lot.
7. Really old trauma - It's so unfair that something that happened 5, 10 or even 20+ years ago can keep affecting us forever.  When we're severely traumatized that emotion can actually be stored in our physical body, and can affect us for life.  Sometimes therapy can help and often alternative medicine and healing can help release it better than conventional means.  What's important is to realize that it's not really you.  It's trauma caused by something outside you and once you release it you will feel very different.
8. Lies you are told - I'm going to tell you a secret.  I'm very against organized religion, the media and anyone with an agenda to influence my life.  From birth we are told many lies about how the world is and we believe them because hey - it's from birth.  Waking up to those lies and seeing them for what they are pisses you off majorly, and it also shows you a lot of truth about the world.  Plus things start to make a lot more sense when you realize that much of what you've been fed for years is pure BS.
9. Diagnosis - Some people are really sick and need help.  But a lot of people are diagnosed because that's what people do.  They label and categorize and then stick people in little boxes that fit certain criteria.  Unfortunately in our world a "diagnosis" becomes part of our identity.  We can't live differently because we are biopolar or depressed or adhd or whatever.  Says who?  Diagnosis is "their" opinion of you.  Their opinion doesn't count.  YOURS does.  Do you really want to let someone else tell you who you are?
10. Peer pressure - This is so cliché as we mainly apply it to teenagers making bad choices.  But it's so much more than that.  Think about how much we are pressured to conform to family values, religion, community, culture, and other outside ideas of "right and wrong."  Even if we rebel and go the opposite way, it's still those opinions that are influencing us.  I REFUSE to let anyone else tell me how to live!  In fact I ignore them completely and if someone tries to exert their influence on my way of thinking and living I just boot them out of my life.
11. Caught in the loop - This is chicken and egg stuff.  You are depressed and you have chemical imbalances.  But which came first?  That question really can't be answered because they feed into one another, but if left unchecked it puts you into a wild, out of control spiral that eventually takes you right off this planet.  It's not real though.  It's a lie that gets you under it's control doesn't let you out.
12. Psychic Attack - People can and do send negative energy your way, often without you even realizing it.  Heck sometimes they don't even realize it.  While a lot of people don't believe in this, let me tell you it's real and it does happen.  A good spiritual mentor can help you deal with this type of negative energy, and it can change your life for the better once you get those assholes out of your field.

Anti-Depressants and Psychiatric drugs linked to violence and suicidal tendencies

Here are some links to interesting stories illustrating just how much damage anti-depressants can do:


http://www.drugawareness.org/c-span-in-memory-of-911-the-antidepressant-connections/


http://psychiatricfraud.org/2011/04/the-real-lesson-of-columbine-psychiatric-drugs-induce-violence/


http://www.cchrint.org/2012/07/20/the-aurora-colorado-tragedy-another-senseless-shooting-another-psychotropic-drug/


http://www.washingtonsblog.com/2012/12/are-the-new-generation-of-anti-depressant-medications-contributing-to-school-shootings.html


http://www.drugwatch.com/ssri/suicide/


http://www.breggin.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=43&Itemid=66


These are just a very few.  Google it and you'll find dozens of others.

The education system sucks

This post is mainly for teenagers who are stuck in high school and absolutely hate it!

Let me be brutally honest:  The education system sucks.

I don't care if you're in public or private school. Unless you're homeschooled by very progressive and enlightened parents, the education system sucks.

I'm telling you this because you may be in a situation where you hate school and yet people are trying to convince you of the merits of "working hard and getting good grades."

You're not stupid.  It sucks and you know it.  End of story.

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Beginning of a new story....

Education DOES NOT suck!  Education is absolutely amazing, fun, engaging, enlightening, and it makes you want to keep learning and growing.

Education means learning.  It means discovering new things, figuring out how different pieces fit together to form a whole, seeing the world differently, exploring new ways of thinking and interacting and so on.

The best education is self-education and pursuing subjects you're interested in.  There are so many things to learn and do in this world that you couldn't possibly do it all in one lifetime.  In fact it would take hundreds if not thousands of life times to experience it all (bonus for those who believe in reincarnation). 

There is learning in happiness and learning in misery, in easy as well as hard times, in illness and health, in great relationships and terrible ones, and in living and dying.

What's terrible is that we've twisted education into a dry, boring, institutionalized, life-killing, soul-sucking bureaucracy.  Ugh!

So if you're stuck in school and have a few more years before you can escape, what do you do?

------------------------

You could lose yourself in video games or TV, sitting around and bemoaning your fate.  You could simply refuse to participate, not doing the work or showing up, or even dropping out entirely.

Or you could decide to start on your own self-education.  Find something that interests you and throw your time and attention into that.  If the subjects in school support your interests (for instance math is needed in lots of different areas) then learn those solely for the purpose of pursuing your own interests.  Take advantage of the things they offer that fit into what you want (high school is free - you have to pay for college so learn it free if you can). 

If they don't support your interests then get by them but don't worry about acing them.  A "D" is still passing and while D's won't get you into a top college they also won't hurt you 30 years down the road when you've built a life around what you enjoy.

If you can get a job in what you're interested in that's even better because you'll be learning far more than you can in a classroom, spending time around people who have similar interests and bonus: get paid something for doing it.  Even if you don't get paid, you can still work as a volunteer just for the experience and sheer enjoyment.  Plus volunteering can turn into paid work.  Trust me I've done lots of free work that turned into a paying job later.

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So to sum up.  The education system sucks.  Education doesn't.  What do you want to start learning about?

It's up to you

Today I have good news and bad news for you.


The good news:  You are responsible for your life.


The bad news: You are responsible for your life.


I'd love to say it's someone else's fault.  When I was at the depth of my depression and waiting moment by moment to die I looked for someone to blame it on.  And I had people.


Oh yes did I have people!


I'd been in abusive relationships, had people scam me out of tens of thousands of dollars, gone without the basic necessities of life for years, been shafted by the church, deserted by the god I believed in, and on and on.


But you know what.  Through it all I ultimately blamed myself.  "I" didn't have to stay in those relationships, fall prey to the scammers, live with nothing (I could have gotten welfare), left the church and god instead of going back time and time again, begging for forgiveness and help that never came, and so on.


When we want to die we often go back and forth between blaming others and blaming ourselves.  And of course if we're religious we blame god, then blame ourselves for not being good enough. 


Guess what.... it doesn't matter.


Why?


Because in the end it's really up to you and no one but you.

• You can blame others or blame yourself.  It doesn't change anything.
• You can say if only (this or that were different).  It doesn't change anything.
• You can insist you can't change anything.  You're right and nothing changes.
• You can blame the system and you're right... it sucks.  But it doesn't change anything.
• You can blame your education (or lack of education) but that doesn't change anything either.
• You can blame religion and you'd be at least partly right.  But it doesn't change anything.

The ONLY thing you can change is yourself.

• You can start doing your own thing, ignoring others.
• You can make a plan for your life (you can always decide to die tomorrow).
• You can stop worrying about what others are doing (you can't change them) and focus on yourself.
• You can use the system to your advantage or circumvent it all together.
• You can get education in something you're interested in, leaving the rest of the BS behind.
• You can leave a religion that doesn't work for you (and may be a huge part of the problem) and find one you like or none at all.
• You can find people who are more like you - kind of like your own tribe.
• If you hate your job, quit and get a different one.
• If you hate school change your classes, learn at home, or stop going for now.
• If your relationships suck then get out of them.  No one is worth dying for... not literally or figuratively. 
• If you are sick then you can see what can be done to get well.  Often outside conventional medicine as they don't have all the answers.

You have ULTIMATE POWER over your life.


It may not seem that way and it make take time and effort to regain the power you lost but trust me.... you DO have ultimate power over your life.


That, my friend is a very freeing thought!

5 Reasons I didn't kill myself

1. I was afraid I'd mess it up.  Yep this was probably the biggest one.  To me the idea of being a vegetable or mentally/physically challenged to the point I was stuck in a body that didn't function and fully dependent on others for my survival was even worse than not being here at all.  If I couldn't figure out a "sure thing" I wasn't going to do it.  I never had complete confidence in any method I could think of so I never did it.
2. I didn't want to leave a mess.  Weird huh?  I wasn't even concerned about the emotional impact on my family at that point because I was convinced they wouldn't miss me and the world would be better off if I wasn't here.  But I really didn't want to leave a mess for someone else to clean up.
3. I don't do drugs.  I don't even take Tylenol.  Can't stand it.  So the idea of death by drugs was abhorrent to me.  Also, I had this vision (see #1 above) of not taking enough or the right kind and ending up with half my brain cells missing, unable to do anything but drool for the rest of my life yet strangely aware I was trapped in an even bigger hell.  So that wasn't an option.
4. I felt like I wasn't allowed.  This wasn't some moral or religious thing.  I simply felt like I came here for a reason and this wasn't it so I literally wasn't "allowed" to leave yet.
5. I think I liked being a victim and martyr.  I'm not sugar coating here... my life sucked!  Even by outside standards people told me they couldn't believe all the crap I had to deal with.  But still, there was something in me that was content with wanting to die but not doing anything about it, but at the same time not doing anything to make my life better either.  It's a sucky place to be, let me tell you!  And sad thing is a lot of people are exactly there.  Even if they're not ready to get off the planet, thousands if not millions of people have given up on life and walk around like zombies waiting to die. 

Notice there was nothing about loving my family, staying for my kids, my dog or whatever.  That's because I didn't feel that way.  At the time I truly believed the world would be better off without me and no one would care anyway.  I don't know if this is true or not and really it doesn't matter.

We are born alone, we die alone, and in between we have relationships but ultimately we are still alone.  Therefore we have to do things that are right for US, not anyone else.  By the way this realization was one of the most liberating things I ever figured out.  More on that here.

We are always alone

We are always ALONE.

We are born alone.  We die alone.  And ultimately, no matter how many people are around us, we spend our entire lives alone.

Depressing huh?

But also freeing!

Ultimately we have no one to answer to but ourselves.  We have no one to please but ourselves.  We have no one to look up to but ourselves.  And we are responsible to no one but ourselves.

A lot of depression and wanting to kill ourselves stems from feeling like everyone wants something from us, like we can't compete, fit in or live up to expectations, and like this world is too confusing and hard to figure out.

So forget it all. 

Let them want something from you – you don't have to give it unless you want to.

Let them compete with one another – you don't have to participate in the games.

Forget about fitting in with them – do your own thing.

The only expectations you have to live up to are your own.

Yes the world is confusing and yes it's hard to figure out. So what?  You don't have to conquer it, just find your little corner.  Trust me once you have it becomes crystal clear and easy to navigate.

Once you realize you are truly ALONE and become OK with that your entire life changes for the better.  You stop caring what people think, stop expecting them to accept you, stop wanting them to conform to your way of being (yes you want this just like they want you to conform to them), and you stop wanting to die.  Why?  Because life is now played by your rules and done your way.

Once you realize this you will also take care of yourself.  You'll stop expecting anyone to pay your bills, feed you, clothe you or otherwise take care of yourself.  You'll become independent and start participating in the world YOUR way because this is how you live on your terms.  See when others pay your way then you become indebted to them and you have to listen to their BS.  When you pay your way then you take BS from no one.   Yes you may take BS from bosses, etc. but it's different....

If you're stuck in the opposite position (you take care of everyone else) then you'll stop doing that too.  You'll start saying NO, which feels really great, and kick people out who are sucking you dry.  You'll become very picky about who you associate with and what obligations you take on and what you put up with. 

Some people may call you a bitch or prick but so be it. You are taking care of YOU.  Finally. 

You are born alone.  You die alone.  In between it is you ALONE who gets to decide how to live.

Are We Really Human?

Are we really human?

I've spent many years thinking about life, this planet, why the hell we are here and what we're supposed to be doing.

I've come to the conclusion that we're not really human after all and that perhaps this world isn't even real.

You don't have to believe me but consider what I have to say then decide for yourself.

• There are times I feel like I'm part human but partly not really connected to or even really on this planet.  I look around and feel like I'm in a foreign place that doesn't make sense and isn't really me.  That's the first clue that maybe things aren't what they appear.  I used to think I was crazy, but now I think those moments are actually glimpses of reality.  Next time it happens to you, instead of writing it off as crazy, stop and take a moment to consider that maybe, just maybe you're seeing reality for a minute.  If this is true and the world isn't really real, it changes everything.  See?
• My dreams are sometimes more real than my waking state.  Do you have that experience too?  Weather they're pleasant dreams or nightmares, my dreams often are so real that I'm disappointed when I wake up.  This is further evidence to me that the world I see in my waking state maybe isn't the real one.  What about your dreams?  Can you see it for yourself too?
• There is scientific evidence that the Universe may be a hologram.  Here are a couple links:
  http://www.nature.com/news/simulations-back-up-theory-that-universe-is-a-hologram-1.14328
  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/11/universe-hologram-physicists_n_4428359.html
  In my opinion it's still too early to say one way or another for sure but if it is then it's also possible we can manipulate it.  If we can then we can actually change our lives to be what we want, rather than what we think is thrown on us.
• I know things.  You might say I'm psychic but you might also say that the non-human part of me is connected to a communication conduit far beyond anything we understand as humans with limited abilities.  One of the reasons I chose to stay on this planet was to explore that possibility and learn to develop and use these abilities to manipulate life (instead of life manipulating me).  This alone has been worth the stay.  I'd recommend you give it a go yourself.
• Movies opened my mind to many possibilities.  The Matrix was one of the first movies to really show the world we know as "not what it seems."  The Truman Show was another.  Wow what if the hell you're living in is a great big, made up Seahaven, and nothing is real at all.  Would you want to get out?  Or would you get super pissed and get revenge on those who did this to you?  I'd get pissed and maybe eventually I'd get out, but not until I taught a few people a few things.
• Video games have also opened my mind, especially MMORPG games.  What if we're nothing more than characters in games like this and our world is a simulation?  And what if we live and die, then respawn to do it again (reincarnation?).  Could be possible.  And ultimately, what if the technology is so advanced that we've become sentient and can tune in to the game creators and players controlling our character, and eventually influence how the game is played.  Think about that for a while.  Kind of makes you want to get a few more levels before you check out.

I hate those who want to "help"

I hate those well meaning people who want to "help" (why I never talked about wanting to die).

Ok I'll admit when I really wanted to die most I didn't talk about it much.  In fact most people who know me have NEVER known I ever wanted to die. 

Let's face it.... you tell someone and they want to help.  All of a sudden you're flooded with advice from well meaning but misguided people.  You're also bombarded with a lot of negativity and judgment, as well as people outright forbidding you to take your life.

Stupidly, when people actually do take that step those around them wonder why they never reached out for help.  Duh!  Maybe because the "help" offered is no help at all!

I have to tell you something here:  They can't help you.  They don't understand unless they've been their themselves.  Even then they don't fully understand because no one can live inside someone else.

Only YOU know your reasons, how you feel and what you want.

Therefore, only YOU can decide if you're staying or going.

My only request is that you do your research and make a truly informed decision BEFORE taking action, and that you don't do it on the spur of the moment or while under the influence of something like drugs, alcohol, music, sickness or even hormonal imbalances (which are a bitch for both guys and gals). 

Why?  Because it's unfair to you.  Outside influences make you think and feel things that aren't really you and you have to get away from them in order to make a real and true choice.  Make sense?

Too Mad to Die

Anger is a powerful emotion!

 

People say that people who want to kill themselves are angry, but that hasn't been my experience.  Yes, we're angry but it's because we can't see any way out of this hell on earth.  We're mad at the world because it sucks, and mad at ourselves for not being able to handle it. 

 

Even more than that, we feel hopeless and stuck, and it seems like dying is the only way out.

 

Sometimes though, turning that anger outward is another way out. 

• Yes the world sucks and it's ok to be pissed off about that. 
• Yes, people are cruel and that too deserves our anger.
• No, life isn't fair and what really isn't fair is that people tell us the lie that it should be fair!  I am definitely angry about that!
• No our bodies don't always cooperate with us.  We may be too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, ugly, sick, deformed or a whole host of other things.  What's really angering about that is how we're fed the lies about how we "should" look or feel. That makes me red-faced angry!
• No we may not fit in.  Fuck them!  It's ok to be really angry that people expect us to be what we're not just to please them!

When you look outside yourself and start seeing how shitty the world can be then you'll realize that yeah, you're pissed off and YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE!

 

It's that anger, directed outward that can propel you away from wanting to kill yourself and toward wanting to do something about the world around you. 

 

• Yes the world sucks but you don't have to let it kick you around. 
• Yes, people are cruel but you don't have to put up with their bad behavior.
• No, life isn't fair and once you realize that you can learn to play differently, getting more of what you want instead of being at the mercy of the world.
• No our bodies don't always cooperate with us but we can use the parts that do to our advantage, and work on the parts that don't.  Do you know I spent most of my life thinking I was ugly?  Now I look back and realize how pretty I was. Never again will I listen to what anyone says about me. Ever!
• No we may not fit in buy why would you want to?  I don't.  If I fit in I'd be a corporate drone in a bland, cookie cutter neighborhood numbing my brain on TV and video games and believing the media like a zombie.  Yuck!  I'm glad I don't fit in and I never will.

So you see... anger has a purpose.  Part of me not killing myself was being too damn angry to die!  Does this resonate with you?

We all have shitty lives

In all my years on the planet, I have NEVER met anyone who is truly happy.  I've met a lot of people who say they're happy and even act happy but once I get to know them, their underlying misery always sneaks out eventually. 


This isn't to say they don't have happy moments or that they're partly or even mostly happy.  But the truth is there is no real, lasting happiness on this planet.  Because let's face it: life sucks. 


It's not easy and though we can have moments or even periods of happiness, a lot of it is really shitty.


There's nothing wrong with that.  What's wrong is that the world lies to us and makes us think life is supposed to be great, and if it isn't then there's something wrong with us.


Case in point, look at all those on anti-depressants.  According to the CDC about 11% of people in the US are on some type of anti-depressant.  While that may not seem like a lot, they also say only about one third of people who are severely depressed are on medication.  That brings the number up to more like a third of the population (Source: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db76.htm).


Now why is that?  Could it be in part that we have this false idea that life is supposed to be all roses and sunshine, and if it's not then we're "sick." 


Once we drop this notion that the world is supposed to be great and accept that often life is shitty then we can actually start feeling better about our lives.


Why?  Because we'd stop thinking there was something wrong with us.  We'd stop believing everyone else has it easier than us and that we have a problem.


Yes we might have problems and that's another story.  But one of our problems is not that our life sucks and no one else's does.  Because life in general can be pretty shitty.  The end.

If you're on drugs then your problem is not that you're suicidal

A lot of people have argued with me on this one.  Drugs and suicide go hand in hand.




Wrong!




I was never on drugs and I was absolutely suicidal.  I know others who were too. 




In fact I'd argue that if you're on drugs then being suicidal is NOT your problem.




Drugs are your problem and feeling suicidal is a side effect of that.




So yes you may call a hotline and go in rehab and be on suicide watch.  I get that and if you need these things then great!  Go for it.




But understand that you wanting to kill yourself as a side effect of putting poison in your body. 




When you do drugs you are letting something outside yourself control you.  You are no longer making decisions - the drugs are.




This is an important distinction to make, because if you go through with dying you may do so without being in your proper mind so you really can't discern whether it's the right choice for you or not. 




Again, I'm not here to tell you what to do.  But I am telling you that you owe it to yourself to make that decision with a clear head.  After all it's rather permanent.

The world is trying to kill you!

When we want to die we think about how to do it ourselves but have you ever thought about the world we live in and how it's trying to kill us?

Think about it. 

• Our food is all GMO'd up and full of pesticides and herbicides that are POISON to our bodies
• Fast food (and prepared food) are leading causes of obesity and all the health issues and deaths related to that
• Our water is also full of all sorts of chemicals and harmful substances-
• Chemtrails (yes they are real) are spraying toxic substances into our atmosphere, which then rain down on us and pollute our air, ground and water supply even more
• There is more and more evidence linking vaccines to major health issues
• Our world is full of stress, and stress wreaks havoc on our health
• There are all sorts of electromagnetic waves bouncing around which can give us headaches, nervous system problems and a whole host of other things
• Propaganda from the media, our governments, religion and other groups lead us down paths to self destruction

There's more but these 8 points alone are pretty serious!

What surprises me is that despite everything around us trying to make us sick or outright kill us, we're still here.  It's amazing how strong and resilient our bodies are!

As I started to realize this, I began to understand that it's actually much harder to stay alive than it is to just give in to all this crap and die.  I didn't even have to do it to myself... the world was doing it for me.

Think about that and consider how, despite being assaulted with an environment that's trying to kill you - you're still here.  Pretty amazing.

What to do when you can't hang on another minute

If you've ever wanted to kill yourself like I did, there are moments when you just know you can't hang on anymore and it has to be now.

I felt that way more than once, and as I've said elsewhere one of the things that kept me from going through with it was fear of messing it up.

And on the very worst of the worst days, there were other things that got me through.  Here are a few that might help you out too.  And feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments:

1. Give yourself something to do first.  For me it was eat a final meal, watch one last movie, write a long goodbye letter, take a nap, or any number of other "last" things.  In fact at once time I had a whole checklist of final things I had to take care of before I could go.  Never quite got through it...
2. Watch comedy.  May as well go out on a laugh, right?  I'd watch my favorite funny stuff saying I could go after.  After a while I was happier and decided to put it off one more day.
3. Give yourself a project.  One thing I learned is that I wanted to die more when I was bored.  So I'd give myself a project, even a dumb one to occupy my mind. That usually distracted me from what I was thinking.
4. Go eat protein.  Blood sugar can be insanely depressive and totally whack you out.  Eat something high in protein and low in sugar then check back an hour later.  Hey if you're heading for the end what's one more hour?
5. Call a friend.  Sometimes you really do need someone to talk to and if you pick the right person it can be the difference between staying and going.
6. If you don't have a friend to call or don't trust the ones you have then call a hotline.  They can be really helpful.
7. Stop taking drugs.  Dying is supposed to be a beautiful transition between this world and the next and if you do it while on something you'll miss out.  Plus when your mind is fucked up you can't make a real decision.  So if you're on something then let it wear off before you do anything.  If you need to get help then get help to see you through but delay any action until you're in your own mind.