Today doesn't mean "never"

When I wanted to die there was a lot of urgency to it.  There were times I felt like if I didn't do it "today" it wouldn't happen.  In fact on one of my "almost" moments, where I thought I'd come up with a foolproof method, I was very angry at myself for not going through with it right then.

It's funny how when you're on the edge it's like the will to live and the will to die are in this huge battle within you.  On that day, my will to live won the battle by saying this:

You don't have to say 'not ever' just not right this minute. 

 If you can get through today you can get through.

That thought let me off the hook for the moment but didn't preclude my will to die winning later.

I remembered that little statement many times over the years when I wanted to give up and it kept me going a little longer. The todays turned into weeks and then months and eventually the idea of staying seemed much more appealing than leaving so here I am still.

Think about this if you're really on that edge.  Consider staying today... you can always change your mind later.